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Taking the bark and bite out of communicating

10/11/2018

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By Tuan Nguyen, LMSW, CART

​When we are upset, we tend to attack. We see this all around this. I once learned a valuable lesson from a dog that showed me what can happen when we choose to respond in a different way.

I was visiting a relative who had a large dog. The dog was very friendly, although she looked quite fierce. I wasn't paying much attention to where I was stepping when all of a sudden I felt some movement under my foot and heard a whimper. I looked down and saw that I had accidentally stepped on the dog's paw! I apologized to the dog and tried to soothe her by stroking her fur. 

While thinking of that situation, the dog could have, while in pain, anger, and fear, bit me and then barked at me for accidentally stepping on her paw. With her big jaw and sharp teeth, she could have left quite a mark on my leg. Had she done that, I may not have stopped to investigate why she bit me.  I may have just focused on my own injury and reacted in anger: How could this dog bite me? What did I do to it? This dog needs to be trained better! This dog needs to be isolated before it hurts anyone else! Thankfully, this was not the result because the dog expressed her hurt by voicing it calmly and I heard it and responded by realizing my error (accidentally stepping on her paw) and stopping my error. We drew close to each other at the end of this situation. 

With our loved ones, especially with our significant other, when we are upset, we tend to go into default mode: release our anger on them and criticize their being. While this is common and natural to do, would you say it has led to greater peace, teamwork, and a solution? 

For most of us, the answer is no. We want to be heard, have our feelings validated, have our input and opinion respected, and feel close to our loved one. All of these are positive results we want, but the way we communicate our needs may be pushing others away and leading them to build up walls as a defense. Although this may be your current experience, the good news is that it doesn't have to stay that way.

Small changes can led to the bigger results we desire. Consider making these small changes:
  • Pause and check your feelings, how your body feels, and thoughts. If you are in "fight" mode, it is not a helpful time to talk. Take a breather to cool down and consider the others' perspectives.
  • Don't try to be a mind reader. Choose to hold off on any assumptions and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Keep in mind: The person most likely is not intentionally trying to annoy or harm you. There are some parts of the situation you may not know.
  • Reflect and answer these to yourself: What am I feeling? What upset me? What am I needing? What role, however tiny, may have contributed to the situation? 
  • Remember these: What bothers you is important to you. Otherwise, you it wouldn't bother you. Why does this bother you? There are many approaches to come to a positive outcome. Remind yourself of your core needs (which include love, respect, security) and how a gentle approach to addressing a situation can help set you up for a higher likelihood of a positive outcome than an angry, critical approach.
  • Check in with the person to ask it's a good time to talk. If it isn't, schedule a time. Avoid talking while one is driving or when it's too close to bedtime. 
  • Share your feeling, your observations, your core need/concern, and offer a request for a change of behavior, and ask to hear the other person's perspective.  
  • Listen without interrupting. Take turns. Use a timer (2 minutes at a time) if needed.
  • Consider asking to brainstorm solutions together. Write down all ideas without criticizing or evaluating them until all ideas are shared. 
  • Check your emotions and actions. If you or the other start getting into an angry "fight" mode, take a break and schedule when to reconvene. 
  • Choose to show appreciation and respect in the midst of the situation. Dig deep and keep digging till you find what you can appreciate and respect about the person. Communicate these to the other with sincerity. 
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What to do about anger

10/10/2018

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By Tuan Nguyen, LMSW, CART

​We are born with the ability to experience anger. Many of us have experienced the wrath of others and many of us have dealt that wrath. If this is a problem you notice in others or in yourself, what can be done to handle this powerful emotion?

Some say it's best to shut down all feelings of anger. They say being angry can be dangerous, so to avoid being dangerous, don't feel it, don't feed it, don't express it. While on the outside, a person holding in all this anger may seem to have things under control, ignoring feelings of anger can lead to a blow out, one in which the fury may be even greater from all the pressure. 

Others say you need to let out all your anger. They say you ought to let people know what you really think and feel, tell them off because they deserve it. While this can feel freeing by taking things off your chest, it can lead to a path of destruction that can include verbal or physical harm, arrests, damaged relationships, and horrible memories you cannot undo.

There is a another way to handle anger.

Consider the following:
  • Anger is telling us something. Acknowledge it. Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest. 
  • Reflect on why you are angry. Pause and think about the situation: Do you feel wronged? Disrespected? Betrayed? Blocked from doing or getting something?  
  • What other feelings might also be present? Hurt? Fear? Sadness? Shame? For many it is easier to show anger than to acknowledge other feelings which we feel makes us vulnerable. 
  • What is the most positive outcome you are seeking in this situation for yourself and others?
  • What are your core needs and values?
  • What kind of person do you want to be known for?
  • Very rarely is the use of violence justified. If no one's life is in danger, a violent response to protect someone is not needed. 
  • ​Lower your volume, soften your tone (words) and posture/stance to help the other person know are are wanting to talk things out and not trying to attack them.
  • Consider: What do I naturally want to do in anger? STOP. Don't do what comes naturally. Don't do what you have automatically done while angry in past situations. Don't do what first comes to mind. Think: what is a second alternative to that response that would take this anger and its impact a notch lower? Is what I want to do going to bring honor and peace to the situation? 
  • If your words, tone, body, and actions show that you are in "fight" mode, take a break, leave the situation, and respond at a later time when you are more calm and thinking more clearly. 
  • What are other things going on that is leading to lower patience, lower self-control, and higher irritability? For some, it may include insufficient sleep, food intake, substance use, worry, anxiety, and/or depression. Reach out to a counselor to help you evaluate factors that may be contributing to your anger and ways to manage it. 

A haunting quote: 
"...as we look at violence and abuse in the family, our idea of the family changes, from a place of safety to a place of danger, from a context of nurturing to a context of nightmare." David Moltz

What are your thoughts on this emotion? What has helped you manage it?

For more resources on addressing anger:

Center for Anger Resolution 
http://www.angerbusters.com/

"How to recognize and deal with anger"
https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger.aspx

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    Tuan Nguyen is a licensed therapist in Pearland, Texas. Pause, reflect, revise, repeat.

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